Full disclosure: I have an embarrassingly impressively large collection of leadership books. When I was offered my current job at the end of last year, to say I was nervous would be an understatement. Since no “Executive Director for Dummies” book exists, I figured those on personal growth would be the next best thing. While some have been cheesy, most have actually proven to be helpful, with my favorite being How to Win Friends & Influence People by Dale Carnegie.
Despite being one of the most successful books in American history, I had not heard of Carnegie’s bestseller until recently. With millions of copies sold worldwide, numerous accolades, and over 7,000 Amazon reviews, I anticipated that I would learn a great deal in regards to professional relationships and communicating with employees. I did not, however, anticipate finding so much to be relevant to working with dementia patients.
HTWF&IP features 29 principles (outlined here), but the below hit closest to home. Note that they are in no particular order and that some have been combined:
- “Smile – it’s a simple way to make a good first impression. Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.”
Unfortunately, your nonna may not realize at first glance that she knows you. Even if she does, she may not understand how or in what context. Smiling and greeting her with her name not only indicates that you’re familiar with one another, but also elicits comfort and relief.
- “Don’t criticize, condemn, or complain. The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.”
See previous post for specifics on arguing and how detrimental it can be. As Carnegie reiterates, it’s essential to distrust our first instinctive impression; our natural reaction in a disagreeable situation is to be defensive. If your nonno accuses you of misplacing his keys, you’ll understandably want to assure him you have not. Conversely, make it a point to listen and apologize; it will help disarm him. Show respect for his opinions and never say he’s wrong.
- “Make the other person feel important – and do it sincerely. Throw down a challenge. That is what every successful person loves: the game. The chance for self-expression. The chance to prove his or her worth, to excel, to win. That is what makes footraces and hog-calling and pie-eating contests. The desire to excel. The desire for a feeling of importance.”
Regardless of age or cognition, we as human beings crave a sense of purpose. We need to feel as though we matter. Last month, one of my favorite residents was visibly agitated and I overheard staff having a difficult time redirecting him. Upon entering his room, I exclaimed that he was just the man I was looking for; I had to hang up flyers for an impromptu ice cream outing we’d take that afternoon. I solicited his help and together we completed a seemingly trivial task. He even agreed to join us at Dairy Queen following some shameless pleading on my end – I needed a man’s coaching and direction while driving our huge van!
- “Let the other person save face. Even if we are right and the other person is definitely wrong, we only destroy ego by causing someone to lose face.”
One of my biggest pet peeves is hearing someone point out the fact that a nonno or nonna has wet themselves, regardless of whether or not others are present. I’m cringing at the thought. The legendary French aviation pioneer and author Antoinne de Saint-Exupery wrote: “I have no right to say or do anything that diminishes a man in his own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him, but what he thinks of himself. Hurting a man in his dignity is a crime.” No matter the situation, preserving dignity is essential. In my opinion, this is non-negotiable.
Truth be told, all 29 principles in How to Win Friends & Influence People are applicable, but why shouldn’t they be? After all, individuals living with dementia are just that: people.