Just under two months ago, my brother married his longtime girlfriend in California. While it took place in her hometown, it was a “destination wedding” for most of us on the groom’s side – we all live in the tristate area. Logistics aside, I know one of the most difficult parts of wedding planning for my brother was knowing that two very important ladies wouldn’t be in attendance: our grandmas. The trip was simply too much for them, and we all (sadly) recognized that.

No matter the distance, whether or not to include grandparents in big family events (like holidays and weddings) is a common deliberation in the world of senior care. Naturally, most people can’t imagine being without their loved one during special occasions, especially those involving traditions. Worse yet, they can’t fathom breaking the news to them that they’re not invited. Truthfully, though, when it comes to dementia, having your nonna join you may end up doing more harm than good.

Thankfully, both of my grandmothers’ minds are still sharp; the trip to Cali would’ve taken a big toll on them physically more than anything else. For those living with Alzheimer’s disease, however, physical wellbeing isn’t necessarily the concern – it’s mental health we have to consider. There’s no one-size-fits-all approach to this illness or these decisions, but I’ve come to learn that it helps to gauge how far along someone is in the disease process. If you don’t remind him, does nonno remember you’re getting married? If not given hints, does nonna know what holiday’s coming up? If the day comes and goes, will she know she’s missed it?

Parties of any magnitude can be loud, overwhelming, and super confusing for someone with dementia:

“We’re very glad, of course, to know all these people and know they love us but there’s one little thing that somebody in my predicament can probably understand: whenever there’s a gathering of people, it seems, at least in my mind, to be a lot of confusion. I just feel the need for quiet. I can only think of one thing at a time. And large gatherings, whatever they may be, are very, very hard to understand. … I could remember a lot better if there’s not much going on. I can think better. If there’s anybody else in the room, it seems like – more than just one person – I do sort of lose my grip.”

–Cary Henderson

Honestly, if they’re blissfully unaware of what’s to come (or keep forgetting), it’s important to consider who you’d be inviting them for. If it’s more for you and not for them, and if attending could result in anxiety and confusion, it’s best to consider not including them. I feel like a jerk even typing those words, especially since a quick Google search on the topic yields only tips and no tough love, but I’ve been on the other side – I’ve gotten grandmas ready for events they’re antsy to attend. I’ve redirected them when they’ve tried instead to stick to their routine. Even more difficult, I’ve welcomed them home and helped to calm their nerves for bed. That wind-down can be brutal, and can sometimes last for days.

Start new traditions. Bring Easter leftovers to nonno and chat about your favorite memories. Show nonna photos from your wedding while you also make a fuss over old ones from hers. Chances are, she won’t remember not being there (& she likely won’t feel sorry she missed it).