Can We Stop Being Weird About Death?

When I talk about my job, I often liken it to working in a school: I’m the principal, my department heads teachers, and the residents our students. Structurally, we’re like a dormitory with its own caf and extra offices. Apartments feature mini-fridges, lack overhead lighting, and are separated by walls that are way too thin. Assisted living is surprisingly comparable socially, too: there are cliques, residents hook up, and newcomers need some time to settle in. Rumors spread like wildfire and most rules are taken as light suggestions, especially those pertaining to alcohol and hot plates.

Some things are drastically different, though. Over the past two months, an alarming number of residents have died – 11 people passed away. Most were on hospice and all were very sick, but it’s still been brutal. Unfortunately, such is the nature of this line of work; in elder care, death itself is not unusual, but the way we handle it is socially so bizarre:

“Death and its companion, grief, have a profound presence in long term care facilities. Residents may wake up one morning to find someone they saw every day in the dining room gone. Nursing aides may arrive at work to find an empty bed, occupied the day before by someone they’d helped for months. But the tides of emotion that ripple through these institutions are rarely acknowledged openly.”

The Washington Post

Naturally, we view death as something that will upset our residents. When one of their neighbors pass, we’re adamant about keeping doors closed and wheeling the body discretely out the employee entrance. As devastating as it can be for us as staff, we hold it together for our seniors, offering support and encouraging strength. We justify their deaths and rationalize them as being timely and fair. I repeat, we justify their deaths and rationalize them as being timely and fair. Honestly, how insane does that sound?

Had even one student passed away at school, I can almost guarantee that classes would be canceled, vigils held, and grief counselors on sight immediately. We would openly mourn the loss together; we’d communicate how it made us feel. Grief for deceased elderly individuals is different – it’s referred to as being “disenfranchised” by society. Disenfranchised grief is experienced when people incur a loss that is not being/cannot be openly acknowledged, publicly mourned, or socially supported. In an effort to not upset or frighten residents, death in elder care facilities is structured to have minimum impact.

As I’m learning and growing in my role, I’m finding that there’s so much wrong with this approach. When we don’t acknowledge our feelings, especially sad ones, they can lead to a myriad of both physical and psychological symptoms. We (residents and staff) can become depressed, isolated, and exhausted. Health consequences aside, downplaying death is flat-out unnatural (and therefore uncomfortable) for us as human beings.

On Tuesday, I drove a van full of my loves to a fellow resident’s wake for the very first time. It wasn’t exactly a typical outing and it’s not something we’ll add to our daily activity calendar, but it was so, so worth the trip – our presence was cathartic, respectful, and normal. For once, we didn’t downplay our friend’s passing or the feelings it provoked. Going forward, there needs to be a shift in our approach: hosting candlelit vigils might be overkill, but we’re definitely done with rationalizing.

4 thoughts on “Can We Stop Being Weird About Death?

  1. This is one of the best reads I’ve come across, you are so right. There absolutely needs to be a shift. Thank you for sharing and being such a wonderful advocate for our seniors.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Your honest acknowledgement of the effect of losing a person is very important for those left behind. You are bringing out into the open what needs to be addressed and changed. How fortunate for everyone you are involved with on a daily basis. You have a heart and mind that are making a tremendous difference.

    Liked by 1 person

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