NeuroloGypsy

As a “new” mom (8mos postpartum), I’ve been learning a lot about control. My baby literally relies on me for everything: to be fed, nurtured, changed, put to sleep.. all of it. Even when they’re tired and sleep seems like the only answer, little ones can’t figure out what to do without help. A routine has been key – another thing I obviously control (he couldn’t if he wanted to at this age!). I imagine that while this part of motherhood is only a season, it’ll last for quite a bit of time. What I can’t understand, however, is at what point we’ll switch places; when do adult children decide it’s appropriate or beneficial to control their parents?

Let me be clear: ensuring our loved ones are safe is of utmost importance. It’s top priority and I already know as a daughter (and the first born), I’ll be all over whatever it takes to keep my dad safe as he ages. Controlling him is another story.

I have endless examples of attempts at managing an elderly parent’s everyday life, all of which baffle me. Most recently, my team and I were talking about a budding relationship between two residents. They’re exceptionally respectful of and caring toward one another. They’re both noticeably happier since having found each other, and we feel honored to be witnessing their love story unfold. This nonna’s kids, though? If they knew, they’d be devastated. I don’t like to assume, but I believe in my heart that they’d make her feel absolutely awful and ashamed about the relationship if they found out about it. The thought alone is heartbreaking. Why?

I once had a resident who, well into her 90s, was no longer interesting in keeping Kosher. That was of course her choice and her right. Her attorney daughter, on the other hand, was livid. She drew up an agreement that she wanted me to sign stating that we would only serve her mom Kosher style food. The attorney daughter that I am, I amended our contract and promised to offer her Kosher food. Whether or not she chose those options was entirely up to this nonna. Again, why?

A fellow director shared a story with me last week about a nonna of hers who likes to occasionally sleep in (same, nonna, same). She recently snoozed until almost noon, and her children were beside themselves. Per the key card records from said resident’s door, it was determined that her caregiver checked on her five times throughout the morning, each time being shooed away so she could catch more Zs. Her daughters went as far as to say it was neglectful that they let her rest. Why?

I can’t stress enough how much I understand and appreciate the innate need to do what’s in our power to keep our loved ones safe. What I can’t comprehend, though, is how, why, or when we decide it’s appropriate or beneficial to try to control certain aspects of their lives. While he can do no wrong (love that little mamma’s boy!), if Leo tried to pull that with me, I know I wouldn’t be happy.

This morning, I had the pleasure of speaking about memory care to a virtual caregiver support group. I explained the various options for those living with dementia, including day programs, assisted livings, and nursing homes. We also reviewed how to know when it’s time to make a move, as well as different approaches to the transition itself. A recurring theme throughout our entire discussion was meeting the individual where they are cognitively and, perhaps most importantly, validating their feelings.

I’ve written about validation before: it’s the acceptance of the reality and personal truth of another’s experience (even if, as is often the case with dementia, it’s not accurate). Validation therapy aims to help individuals with dementia be as happy as possible; when their struggle is respected and validated by a trusted person, withdrawal is halted and dignity restored. According to the queen of validation therapy herself, Naomi Feil says:

“Validation is a way of communicating with very old people who have Alzheimer’s-type dementia. … It’s a way of being with them, feeling what they feel. You pick up their emotions and reflect them back. People who are validated feel safe.” –Naomi Feil

I gave a few examples, one of which happens to be a favorite memory of mine. It involves a couple I’ve referenced before – they certainly kept me on my toes! 😉 Both husband and wife were living with dementia and when one had an idea in their head, they’d rile the other up and fixate on it together. To say they were willful would be an understatement. One afternoon, this headstrong nonno had an upset stomach and a subsequent accident, which was not common for him. It was both embarrassing and a bit rattling, resulting in a swift cleanup process and no further mention of it. Unfortunately, while receiving help to get washed up, his watch ended up in the trash along with his soiled clothes. We didn’t realize it was missing until it was too late and the garbage had gone out, at which time we apologetically explained the mishap and collectively moved on. Or so we thought..

The bathroom accident was (thankfully) quickly forgotten, but the watch itself was not. When gently reminded of the incident, my love vehemently denied that it could have possibly occurred. A few days passed, and both my spirited nonno and nonna were livid that his watch was “stolen”. I “conducted investigations”, searched the apartment on my hands and knees, and even recruited backup – their kids. It wasn’t enough. Finally, I asked two friendly police officers from town (and by “friendly” I mean the best of the best, clearly) to pop in and speak to him. In other words, I asked them to validate his feelings.

Let’s just say they well exceeded my expectations, and I (along with my favorite couple’s children) are forever grateful. The officers were greeted in the lobby by my angry, justice-seeking loves and explained how the process would work: they’d go up to search the apartment with their “fingerprinting kit” and track down the thief, who would obviously be arrested and charged. They didn’t have to spend much time at our community, nor did they need to follow up – it was enough. Their empathetic, genuine validation was more than enough. We never spoke of the watch again.